My Yoga Practice and My Journey to Letting Go

I have been taking a deeper dive into my yoga practice recently — specifically diving into the Yamas and Niyamas. Aparigarha, the fifth Yama, is the practice of non-attachment, non-possessiveness, or non-greed. It boils down to the practice of letting go (of feelings, people, behaviors and even things)so the next thing can come. The nature of Aparigraha is everything changes, nothing stays the same.

How did I get here?

I started my yogic journey after my stroke in 2016. Yoga was something I had always wanted to try but never felt like it was for me based on the westernized images of perfectly muscled humans in shapes I could never dream of getting my body into. Luckily, I know a teacher that made yoga accessible and pointed out that yoga is NOT about who looks best in their yoga pants or who can do a handstand in the most extreme place….whew!

Yoga, turned out to be the place I could quite my brain and find focus for 60 minutes. Yoga was (and still is) hard! It’s hard in so many ways. Initially, it was the physical practice. I had a vague notion of the poses (asanas), I wasn’t very flexible and I was out of my comfort zone. But, I persevered and today I am a certified yoga instructor.

I stumbled into 200-hour teacher training in Costa Rica (thanks to that awesome teacher) and got my introduction to the 8 limbs of yoga which includes the Yamas and Niyamas – basically guidelines to living an ethical, joyful life externally and internally. This also makes me think of Barbosa’s quote from Pirates of the Caribbean …”the code is more of what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules” 🏴‍☠️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Turns out yoga is a LOT more than mats, yoga pants and Sun Salutations. I learned about the philosophy, the Yamas and Niyamas, asanas, pranayama, Ayurveda and all the health benefits (physical, emotional and spiritual) that yoga offers. I didn’t really know how it all pertained to me. However, I have continued with my own yoga, meditation and pranayama (breathing) practices along with The Ayurvedic Woman Program. Bit by bit I have tuned into my body’s needs – physical and emotional – creating an overall awareness that allows me to be pro-active with my health and wellness.

A little more background

In addition to yoga, I started this blog after my stroke as a creative outlet and a way to keep up with technology. This week marks the 7 year anniversary of my stroke. I bring it up not to be reminded of a not so great thing that happened to me but as a reminder of how much gratitude and joy I felt for surviving. The gratitude for the doctors and nurses. The gratitude for my family and friends and even the gratitude that I got to have that experience. I want that immense feeling of gratitude every day.

Stick with me as I digress…..

I was never afraid as things went from bad to worse that day in November. I was lucky in so many ways:

The part of my brain that the stroke effected
My physical condition at the time
Getting help when I did (even though is was 16 hours after the initial event)
Day of the week it all unfolded
The amazing doctors and nurses that took care of me

The relief and joy of getting out of the hospital 11 days later was mixed with terror. My stroke was cryptogenic. Doctors did not know what caused it. I did not know anything about strokes. At 48 years old I was in denial and was determined to get back to where I was physically pre-stroke. Outwardly I shrugged off what had happened to me even though inwardly there was uncertainty, and fear along with a bit of what the actual hell just happened?!

I was determined to recover. I started reading all I could about strokes I went to the stroke support group at one of the hospitals. Each day I was getting stronger physically. I was disciplined as I walked my neighborhood, exercised at home and then I was back at my gym.

Looking back, I realize that part of my motivation for regaining my strength and health was that I thought it was my fault, I was weak. Maybe I wasn’t healthy enough, I was old, I was broken, I did something wrong and caused this to happen to me. There was also (and I’m guessing on these) survivors guilt – why did I have such a massive stroke but I was alive and had basically zero deficiencies? PTSD – what right did have to THAT? – I survived. It was over. I was going to be fine. I was able to go outside. I was getting stronger. I was alive.

I also realized recently that perhaps I didn’t acknowledge or process the difficult emotions that came with this event. Maybe it was ok for me to feel bad and afraid even though I was going to be ok. I have spent the past week allowing those feelings to be real and valid. Yes, I brought all of those feelings back up. I cried, I laughed, I shared and I breathed a sigh of relief as I let them all go.

Having scratched the surface of leaning into the fifth Yama, Aparigraha, non-attachment and letting go, feels pretty amazing so far. I’m looking forward to exploring and letting go of other things that do not serve me any longer so I can make space for new experiences, emotions and even people!