Recently, I recognized that I was racing from one thing to another, to another and so on. I was over-busy and over-committed. My mindfulness practice disappeared, I was missing my workouts, I was not eating healthfully, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was grumpy, and I was tired.
It took about 6 weeks of this out of control behavior where my calendar and misplaced obligations ruled my existence before I hit a wall.
Then it hit me, I was busy, but I wasn’t involved. I was doing but I wasn’t being. The wrong kind of busy left me feeling unfilled and frustrated.
Doing vs Being
Doing is very goal and task oriented with attention focused narrowly on goals, achievements and “getting things done”. Being is focused on allowing and accepting what’s going on in the present and importantly being offers choices.
I recognized that I was stressed, I was putting on a few pounds and I was distracted and couldn’t concentrate. Luckily, I was able to slow down enough to evaluate what was going on and shift out of my doing mode.
I started meditating again and listening to my favorite podcasts in the car as I drove from one thing to the next. That’s when it dawned on me that all I was doing was just plain busyness and it wasn’t serving who I wanted to be and what I needed to be doing.
2 years ago, I was freshly out of the hospital. There were a few days when I was first home where I was merely surviving each hour, each day. Fear was driving my existence. I was weak, I was confused, and it was easy to let fear be the driver.
With each passing day I pushed fear a little further away. I was determined to be strong again and to not let this episode rule the rest of my life. I promised myself I would not fall back into old habits, that I would do things that I had not done before. Everything was new again and I could do and be whatever I wanted.
Much of my recent journey has been of the 2 steps forward 1 step backwards variety. But, I learn and evolve through every set-back and every epiphany.
I don’t want fear to creep back in or to live in a fragmented over busy way simply surviving the day to day. I want to keep that promise to myself. I want to be energized, growing, creating and always working towards that sweet spot – balance.
I believe that I have a resilient mind that thrives in a state of openness, acceptance and trust. I want to continually embrace new situations as creative opportunities bringing personal evolution. When I slip back into doing mode, I am just busy and going thought the motions of showing up where I said I would be and doing the things I’m “supposed to” none of that brings me joy.
I’m finished waiting for the perfect moment to jump in now I know that there are no perfect moments only moments to be made perfect by letting them simply be.